The First Step

It's been months since I posted here and I think I'd like to come and post personal notes from time to time. If you found your way to this blog it likely isn't by accident. You're in search of something - maybe you're an addict looking for some guidance or simply a shared story. I hope that I can provide you with at least some food for thought - if nothing else.

I am conflicted about AA groups - simply because I've never been a joiner of any sort of organization However, as detached from AA as I can make myself feel at times I am never more connected to any social group than I am in an AA meeting. In hearing someone speak from the heart of their life, their suffering and of how baffled they are that alcohol took them places they never knew existed. When I speak of the long dark nights of the soul my fellow AA members can relate, having been to the spiritual abyss too. They know the dread, emptiness and hopelessness that accompanies the alcoholic when he is in the grip of his addiction.

I faced death, considered it like some people might consider moving to a new city. Not so much an adventure as it would be an escape from torment. My alcoholism was madness that took joy from a life that deserved joy. Replaced pride with shame and authorized actions that far too often put me in conflict with the people in my life. The craziest aspect of the disease was my denial that there was anything wrong at all. Coming to Step 1 was no easy feat -

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

Powerless? Me? I didn't think so. I have heard that the key to behavioural modification is repetition. There was repetition in the conflict, poor judgement and utter foolishness brought about by my drinking that eventually got through to me. I wasn't normal - I wasn't like other people. When I drink I'm someone that I cannot respect.

I had tried to quit before AA but that met with no success and usually led to a binging to make up for lost time.

I had to accept that I was powerless, that my life was a mess. Eventually there was no denying this. At my first AA meeting I was too afraid or ashamed to get up and get my white chip. I waited until after the meeting and went up to the front and picked it up once the meeting was over.

My first step towards recovery.

Boredom - Nov 22nd

“Boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time; serenity, that nothing is.”
~ Thomas S. Szasz

A.A. Thought for the Day

I have got rid of most of my boredom. One of the hardest things that a new member of A.A. has to understand is how to stay sober and not be bored. Drinking was always the answer to all kinds of boring people or boring situations. But once you have taken up the interest of A.A., once you have given it your time and enthusiasm, boredom should not be a problem to you. A new life opens up before you that can be always interesting. Sobriety should give you so many new interests in life that you shouldn't have time to be bored. Have I got rid of the fear of being bored?

Boredom still dogs me occasionally, I try to respond with curiosity in the world around me. If that doesn't work then I go to a meeting

~ Mike

Money - Nov 21st

A fool and his money are soon parted.
~ Thomas Tusser

A.A. Thought for the Day

I no longer waste money, but try to put it to good use. Like all of us, when I was drunk, I threw money around like I really had it. It gave me a feeling of importance - a millionaire for a day. But the morning after, with an empty wallet and perhaps also some undecipherable checks, was a sad awakening. How could I have been such a fool? How will I ever make it up? Thoughts like these get you down. When we are sober, we spend our hard-earned money as it should be spent. Although perhaps some of us could be more generous in our A.A. giving, at least we do not throw it away. Am I making good use of my money?

I spent money foolishly when I was drinking - and just the cost of drinking at a bar was crazy. Drinking at a bar 4 nights a week can easily cost over $100/week - that's without buying rounds for others. I do spend my money more wisely now.

~ Mike

Escape - Nov 20th

“Nobody ever did, or ever will, escape the consequences of his choices.”
 ~ Alfred A. Montapert


A.A. Thought for the Day

I no longer try to escape life through alcoholism. Drinking built up an unreal world for me and I tried to live in it. But in the morning light the real life was back again and facing it was harder than ever, because I had less resources with which to meet it. Each attempt at escape weakened my personality by the very attempt. Everyone knows that alcohol, by relaxing inhibitions, permits a flight from reality. Alcohol deadens the brain cells that preside over our highest faculties and we are off to the unreal world of drunkenness. A.A. taught me not to run away, but to face reality. Have I given up trying to escape life?

Alcohol's ability to allow me to escape is what seduced me. All of my worries and insecurities would dissolve with alcohol, my behaviour while drinking would, of course, fuel even more worry. The more I drank the more I needed to escape - a crazy cycle. Even today I still attempt to escape at times - when I catch myself telling a lie or avoiding a responsibility, but at least I am catching these things a doing something about them. Escape is not the answer and only leads down a dark road.

~ Mike

Our Dark Side - Nov 17th

Every one is a moon, and has a dark side....
Mark Twain

A.A. Thought for the Day

Everyone has two personalities, a good and a bad. We are all dual personalities to some extent. When we were drinking, the bad personality was in control. We did things when we were drunk that we would never do when we were sober. When we sober up, we are different people. Then we wonder how we could have done the things we did. But we drink again, and again our bad side comes out. So we are back and forth, always in conflict with our other selves, always in a stew. This division of our selves is not good; we must somehow become unified. We do this by giving ourselves wholeheartedly to A.A. and to sobriety. Have I become unified?

My dark side expressed itself through my greed, petty cruelty, and envy. I spent a lot of energy justifying and validating anger and other destructive feelings. Only once I accepted that I have to resist the urge to act badly that I started a journey towards being whole.
~ Mike

Inner Conflict - Nov 16th

“The greatest conflicts are not between two people but between one person and himself.”
~ Garth Brooks


A.A. Thought for the Day
I have got rid of most of my inner conflicts. I was always at war with myself. I was doing things that I did not want to do. I was waking up in strange places and wondering how I got there. I was full of recklessness when I was drunk and full of remorse when I was sober. My life didn't make sense. It was full of broken resolves and frustrated hopes and plans. I was getting nowhere fast. No wonder my nerves were all shot. I was bumping up against a blank wall and I was dizzy from it. A.A. taught me how to get organized and to stop fighting against myself. Have I got rid of inner conflicts?

For years in sobriety I continued to play old tapes in my mind. The tapes where I am being told that I'm not good enough, smart enough, that I'm a quitter and am ungrateful and unloving. I had taken these toxic thought on as my own and though the words were uttered by others the replaying of those words was all my own doing. My inner conflict.
~ Mike

Commitment to AA - Sept 29th

“Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.”
~ Tom Robbins

A.A. Thought for the Day

Having got this far, shall we pause and ask ourselves some searching questions? We need to check up on ourselves periodically. Just how good an A.A. am I? Am I attending meetings regularly? Am I doing my share to carry the load? When there is something to be done, do I volunteer? Do I speak at meetings when asked, no matter how nervous I am? Do I accept each opportunity to do twelfth step work as a challenge? Do I give freely of my time and money? Am I trying to spread A.A. wherever I go? Is my daily life a demonstration of A.A. principles? Am I a good A.A.?

AA is a wonderful program and fellowship and only works through the commitment of those who step up to ensure that things run smoothly. I feel most connected to AA when I am doing work for my group or for a fellow member.

~ Mike