New Year - Dec 31st

Dawns another year,
Open it aright;
Thou shalt have no fear
In its fading light.

•   Joseph Krauskopf

New Year's Eve is a good time to reflect upon the closing year and set our direction for the year ahead. This day reminds us that every day of the year is lived just one at a time. Looking back, we can see a year's change in ourselves. We see the progress we have made as men on our journey. Perhaps we see how much stronger we are emotionally. Maybe we see relationships that have developed because of our growing ability to love. Certainly all of us have some things we regret and some changes we mourn. They too have their place today.

As we begin the coming year, let us review our relationship with each of the Steps. We may perceive aspects of our program that call for more attention. One or two particular Steps may speak to our needs at this time or may have been overlooked in this past year. On this last day of the year, we can again turn our lives and will over to the care of a loving God.

I look to the New Year with a renewed commitment to the Steps.

A Higher Power - Dec 30th

When we are reduced to our last extreme, there is no further evasion. The choice is a terrible one. It is made in the heart of darkness ... when we who have been destroyed and seem to be in hell miraculously choose God!

•   Thomas Merton  

There are many ways we benefit from a life crisis. Perhaps none of us could achieve true adult maturity - or a relationship with God - without having the foundations of our lives shaken. One of our pathways to crisis was the willful pursuit of control in our codependent and addictive lives. Our lifestyles were extreme, the consequences were extreme, and our surrender had to be absolute.

Most of us are surprised by how our weaknesses can turn to strengths. When our defiant wills led us to the utter bottom of our despair, we finally turned to a Power greater than ourselves and found a new way to live. This spiritual story is told in endless variations in our meetings, and it is renewed in small ways every day in each of our lives.

God, lift my defiant willfulness from me and renew my day.

Mistakes - Dec 29th

Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.

•   Ralph Waldo Emerson  

After we get a new understanding about ourselves we think, "Now I will never have to make the same mistake again!" But our lessons are usually not that easily learned. We have to get them into our muscles and bones as well as our heads. Some of us have to learn how to be kind; others, how to be good listeners or how to stand up for ourselves in many different ways. Every new situation calls on a little different way of knowing, and perhaps we have to fall a few times in the learning.

The most important asset in our lives is the faith to get up again and continue. We must accept our imperfections. Each time we fall and with each mistake we make, we're vulnerable to doubting and losing faith. By rising again, we make progress in our learning and continue to become better men.

Today, I will have faith, even in the midst of my mistakes.

Self-Approval - Dec 28th

He is a man whom it is impossible to please, because he is never pleased with himself.

•   Goethe

Many of us grew up trying to please our fathers and feeling we never got the approval we needed. Perhaps our fathers couldn't feel pleased with themselves. Now it is time to take stock of ourselves and ask whether we are perpetuating the pattern in our own lives. If we still feel unhappy with ourselves, we may never be satisfied with anyone else either. Spouses, children, bosses, even the parking lot attendant may receive the brunt of our self-disapproval. We don't totally change these patterns in an instant. We change them one day at a time.

Today, we have before us a small piece of the future. We can begin by treating ourselves decently. Maybe we can't feel a strong sense of personal approval yet, but we can give ourselves some basic respect. We can start by remembering we have the love of God. We can affirm at least one positive thing about ourselves. After some positive reflection, we will have more to give to others. 

Today, I will give myself approval for at least one thing.

Values - Dec 27th

Try not to become a man of success. Rather become a man of value.

•   Albert Einstein 

The marketplace and fashion entice us in countless ways to indulge our individual pleasures. Some say that success will be with the man who follows those seductive beckonings. Even sacrificing long hours by working two jobs to become a financial success or to achieve high career goals can be self-centered activity. It may be time and energy spent seeking power and glory at the cost of time with our family and friends - time for enjoying each other and growing. Sadly, external success leads to superficial pleasure but never to peace within ourselves.

However, when we pursue the values of honesty, humility, and service, we will find enduring self-respect and close friendships. This path provides a genuine experience of life's greatest rewards rather than the glitter of passing excitement.

Today, I will strive toward the greater values rather than superficial successes.

Let Go - Dec 26th

He who knows how to be poor knows everything. 

•   Jules Michelet

Letting go is one of the simple yet profound spiritual tasks taught by many of the world's religions. Knowing how to be poor means knowing how to have a full and rich life without a dependent relationship with material wealth, food, chemicals, or sex. It means not relying on the props in life like expensive clothes, a prestigious job, or a sporty car, but relying only on the basics. Knowing how to be poor is knowing we are not in control and not wasting our serenity in trying. It means being completely honest in all things. It means knowing life is neither easy nor free of pain.

Learning how to be poor is learning how to let go of all the essentials and appreciating the simplicity that endures. We don't automatically know how to do that, but we can learn.

I don't expect to know everything, but my Higher Power can guide me and show me how to let go.

Possessions - Dec 25th

In the sphere of material things, giving means being rich. Not he who has much is rich, but he who gives much.

•   Erich Fromm  

Material possessions have great significance in our world. Not only do we strive to own a special car, electronic gear, and far more clothes than we need, but we also think in terms of possessing a girlfriend, or our health, or happiness, or things that cannot be owned. Some of us have become addicted to buying and owning things. This gimme-gimme mentality affects us all and, rather than enriching us, it impoverishes us. Tangible things enrich us only when we use them and share them to improve our lives and the lives of others. We don't need to be wealthy to share what we have with others. It is the sharing that nourishes us and builds bridges between us.

Wise people have known for thousands of years that a man's spirituality is deeply affected by his relationship to his possessions. When we respect what we own as a gift from God and share it with others, we grow richer spiritually.

I will hold my possessions loosely and with respect so they can be used well and shared.

Celebration - Dec 24th

Celebration is a forgetting in order to remember. A forgetting of ego, of problems, of difficulties. A letting go.

•   Matthew Fox 

A holiday presents us men with an opportunity to practice the letting go of this program. This is a special day to set aside our work and our routines, to put our problems and burdens on the shelf. Let us join with others who are also letting go on this day and celebrate. Maybe we can learn from them how they do it.

We may have been too compulsive on past holidays to celebrate. Or perhaps our holidays are clouded with painful memories. We might miss loved ones or we may recall disappointments or the chaos of earlier holidays. There is no need for perfection in our celebration. We can have some tension, or pain, and yet set it aside as we join with others for a special day.

Today, I will set my ego aside and let go of the usual things in my life in order to reach out to others and participate in celebration.

Loneliness - Dec 23rd

Loneliness is the way by which destiny endeavors to lead man to himself.

•   Hermann Hesse   

We have an epidemic of loneliness among men in our world. Everywhere, men are walking around as though in plastic bubbles that prevent contact with others. We are cut off from closeness with our brothers and sisters, our own children, our mates, coworkers, and neighbors. We have learned to play the role, be efficient, and look good. Do we dare let others know how we feel? Will they look down on us? Will they think we're strange?

All this has made us ripe for the diseases of addiction and codependency. Some of us have romanticized the pain of loneliness and glorified it. We sought some comfort for our pain, but we only perpetuated it. Breaking through the barrier to let someone know us can be incredibly difficult. Yet, just to say "I feel lonely" to another person makes us slightly less alone. Going to meetings and working this program provide a way out. The greatest benefits of the program for many of us have been recovery from loneliness and the genuine relationships we have developed.

Today, I will reveal some of my feelings to another person.

Light - Dec 22nd

There isn't enough darkness in all the world to snuff out the light of one little candle.

•   Anonymous

Our lives can be like a battle between darkness and light. The darkness might be in our moods when we wake in the morning with feelings of despair. Then we can turn to the light of a prayer for openness: "God help me feel your love and acceptance." The darkness is there when we are tempted to take advantage of a clerk who gives us too much change. Perhaps we tell ourselves, "Everyone does it, it won't matter if I do."

Then the light comes as we remember that this program demands rigorous honesty, and each choice for honesty promotes our growth. The darkness may be when someone we care about is hurt or in danger, and we think, "I have to step in to prevent bad things from happening." Then we turn to our Higher Power for strength to stay in the relationship, but not control it.

Today, I can take a leap of faith by choosing an action and accepting that one small choice for the light makes a difference - even in all the darkness.

Renewal - Dec 21st

He not busy being born is busy dying.

•   Bob Dylan  

An old story has been told of men in the program asking an alcoholic who had a slip, "What Step were you working on at the time?" The man who slipped was not working on any Step, and that is part of how he lost his sobriety. The message of the story is that when we are not busy being born spiritually, we are losing ground. It is essential to always be focusing our attention on one of the Steps. Each time we work a Step again, we are at a new place in life, and the Step will inspire something new in us just as it did the first time.

Although we may know the program well, keeping it as our center protects us from being reactive to the events and pressures in our lives. We are less likely to feel overwhelmed by situations or react with shame or anger. As long as we live, we are in need of being renewed.
Today, I will choose one of the Steps and think about its meaning for me.

Faith - Dec 20th

Faith is the bird that sings when the dawn is still dark.  

•   Rabindranath Tagore

There may be many things in our lives that seem unsure or doubtful. Whatever our hope or personal need today, we are not given the knowledge that tells us how things will turn out. In the predawn darkness we don't know how the day will unfold. Sometimes faith is simply a matter of continuing with our program in the midst of our doubt. Then we can be certain that whatever direction events take, whatever pain or trial we must deal with, we will still have ourselves because we have been faithful today.

Ultimately, it is when we have ourselves and our integrity that we are on the recovery path. It is our faith that keeps us there regardless of the setbacks and personal moments of darkness we each must meet.

I will be faithful to my program, even in the darkest moment of doubt or fear, and it will carry me through.

Reality - Dec 19th

If I were given a change of life, I'd like to see how it would be to live as a mere six-footer.

•   Wilt Chamberlain

It's human nature for us to wonder what life would be like in another man's shoes. No matter how good or bad we've had it; we like to consider those possibilities sometimes. While we were still in the trap of living with an addict or being one, some of us used a fantasy world as an escape from our circumstances. Perhaps it was the only option we knew. 

Now we are in a program, which liberates us and gives us hope. It's not an easy program, but it is simple. We're learning that when we have a relationship with our Higher Power and become accountable, we gain more options and can have hope. We can do interesting and rewarding things in our lives now that were closed to us before. Sobriety makes it possible for us to go forward into reality and leave fantasy for play. 

Today, I am grateful for life in the real world that recovery has given me.

Responsibility - Dec 18th

Ultimately, both parents and children are seen as individuals. For all their claims on one another, each is entitled to a life separate and distinct from the other.

•   Francine Klagsbrun  

The process of untangling the relationships between ourselves and our parents - as well as with our children - is a long term process. Each of us came into the world helpless. As sons, we had no choice about relying on our parents. We reached manhood with a mixture of gratitude, guilt, and resentment. The same is true of our children. Those of us who are fathers began with an obligation to our children. We may now feel a mixture of commitment, fulfillment, and guilt.

No parent can teach a child everything he or she will need. We all do what we can to continue to learn and grow. We have lifelong commitments to each other - within reason. We are all trying to make our way as best we can. We each need to advance our own well-being and not destroy our lives for the sake of a parent or a child.

Today, I will be responsible for myself. Then I can be more responsible to others. 

Worthiness - Dec 17th

The purpose of man's life is not happiness but worthiness.

•   Felix Adler  

When we pursue happiness as a goal for its own sake, we usually reach the opposite point of emptiness. Feeling happy is a by-product of other life experiences. Happiness comes and goes. We welcome it but cannot capture and hold it, nor can we create a recipe for achieving happiness.

We will lead far more successful lives pursuing other values which we do have control over, such as honesty, respect for others and ourselves, seeking loving relationships, and making a contribution to the well being of others. We can accept unhappiness and difficulties without struggle when we know we are doing something that has greater meaning. Our Eleventh Step tells us we pray only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out. This helps us focus on God's purpose for us. We can have an inner sense of joy knowing we are leading meaningful lives, even when we aren't having a particularly happy day.

I will seek the goals that make my life worthwhile and welcome happiness when it comes.

Questions - Dec 16th

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart
And try to love the questions themselves. 

•   Rainer Maria Rilke  

Patience with ourselves may be the first step toward patience with others. In getting to know ourselves, we don't find what we have expected. If we did, we would only be proving what we already knew. Sometimes growth comes in surprising ways. It may be in acceptance and learning to love what is unsettled or unclear within. Some of us men want to rush through our learning and push our growth too fast. Others of us want to have a strong sense of confidence in our relationships with others but always feel vulnerable. Some wonder why their fears suddenly rise without warning. Another longs to know why certain things happened to him in his youth. Our growth is not our invention. When answers come, they are gifts, and we do not control them.

In part, self-acceptance is to say, "Yes, I am a person with this question, this unsettled feeling. Being alive is to be actively engaged in knowing and loving my questions even when I find no answer."

God, grant me the peace that comes with loving the unfinished part of me.

Change - Dec 15th

My mother was dead for five years before I knew that I loved her very much.

•   Lillian Hellman 

Each day it helps us to remember that we are always changing. Whatever is most clear to us today or is most prominent in our feelings - the difficulties we may be having with parents, wives or lovers, the worries we have about our children - is a part of an unfolding of events we cannot foresee. Just when we think we know exactly the direction things are going, they surprise us with change. Relationships continue to evolve and mature as we do. Even when separated from loved ones, our relationships may improve because we continue to grow.

Our task for this day is to be honest with ourselves, to be respectful to others, and to stay open to our Higher Power. Continuing to go forward, we put one foot in front of the other. We are changing internally, and circumstances around us are changing too. We remain hopeful for the future because outcomes are in the hands of God.

I cannot predict the direction of my growth. I will simply remain true to myself today and stay open for surprises.

Creativity - Dec 14th

No matter how old you get, if you can keep the desire to be creative, you're keeping the man-child alive.

•   John Cassavetes 

Creation is the work of God. It is not given to most of us to be famous artists. But the spiritual experience of being creative is open to us when we take on a creative attitude toward what we are doing. We might do this on the job when we determine to do more than just get the job done. We may decide to have fun while we do what needs to be done, or we may decide to put our best spirit into the work before us. Some men find creativity in working with wood, others in coaching sports with children, someone else in cooking, and another in community service.

Being creative moves us toward wholeness as people. As we create on the outside, we are being created on the inside. The way in which we live every aspect of our lives is a creative, growing process and a partnership with God.

As I approach this day, I will have an attitude of creativity that will nurture the wondering child within me.

Detachment - Dec 13th

Let nothing disturb you. Let nothing frighten you. Everything passes away except God.

•   Saint Theresa  

Learning to detach may be the most demanding and difficult part of this program. Detachment means being filled with closeness and love toward someone, yet knowing we cannot fix or protect that person. It means we can be in emotional contact but don't have to react to someone else's issues. We respond from our own center with what is fitting for us. Being detached means we allow others to be in the hands of God because we cannot live their lives for them. Detachment gives us an inner calm, an acceptance of our limits, and the freedom to live our own lives with integrity.

Detachment is a skill in living, and like other skills, we can practice it. Gradually, it becomes a natural response. True detachment takes root and grows within us over a period of time as we deepen our relationship with the Steps and with our Higher Power.

Today, I turn to God as my eternal rock for strength in learning to become detached.

To Err - Dec 12th

I like a man with faults, especially when he knows it. To err is human - I'm uncomfortable around gods.

•   Hugh Prather

We are more comfortable around a man who has faults and knows it. We respect such a man. So why do we have such a hard time admitting our own faults? This matter of honesty comes very gradually and only with hard work. We may have to force ourselves to admit a fault because we expect to feel unworthy. In fact, what we do feel after admitting a fault is peacefulness and self-respect. We may expect to be rejected and judged by friends, but usually friendships grow more solid when we admit our faults. A true friend does not need to trust that we will always be right, only that we will be honest.

At this moment are we being nagged by some fault? Is there something about the way we have talked to someone that doesn't seem right? Have we been unfair or dishonest? This is a program of progress, not perfection. So, to make progress we admit our imperfections, and as we do, we become more fully human.

God, in this moment when I feel my human mistakes, help me to be open to your love.

Troubles - Dec 11th

The art of living lies not in eliminating but in growing with troubles.

•   Bernard M. Baruch

Naturally, we wish to avoid pain and difficulty, but life experience and a measure of reflection show us that most of what comes our way is beyond our control. We'll never outwit all the possibilities for trouble, even if we live to be 100 years old. We have often failed to learn from trouble because we cast ourselves in the roles of passive men and victims. We pointed outside ourselves and said, "Look at what is happening to poor me!"

When we use trouble as our teacher, we develop the art of living. We are taking a spiritual approach, using our Higher Power as our guide. We can choose today to use our difficulties for our learning and growth. We might ask, "What can I learn from this experience about myself as a man? How can I use this to strengthen myself for the future?" Serenity develops, not by eliminating life's difficulties, but by having a reliable relationship with our Higher Power in the midst of it all.

With God as my guide, I will use whatever comes my way as an opportunity for growth.

Strength - Dec 10th

If you can just observe what you are and move with it, then you will find that it is possible to go infinitely far.

•   J. Krishnamurti

"Boys don't cry" is bad training for males. Worse than that were ideas like, "Don't pass up a dare," "Nice guys finish last," "Be a good provider," "Be aggressive." Some of these ideas have some value, but problems came from adopting them as the only way to be. We thought we had to work at being the strongest, the best, the least vulnerable. Now we are learning how weak and fragile such thinking actually makes men. It sets us up to go to the extremes we found in our addictions and codependency.

Weakness isn't the alternative to this thinking. Developing our spiritual side, we see that we don't have to work at being what we already are. A man can be strong enough to show his vulnerability. He can choose the opportunity to advance a relationship with his child over the opportunity to advance his career. He can choose to pass by a challenge without shame because he doesn't wish to spend his energy there.

I will be stronger today by simply allowing myself to be true to my feelings.

Letting Go - Dec 9th

That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet.

•   Emily Dickinson 

Life seems to be a continuous pattern of getting committed to things and having to let go - falling in love and losing the one we love, developing a job skill and having to change careers, caring for our children and letting them go off into the world. This is the rhythm of life, and our spiritual growth teaches us to make peace with it. Participating fully in the rhythm is how we become whole men. As addicts and codependents, we used our gambling, overspending, drugs, sex, work, or caretaking of others to avoid the pain of making deeper relationships and to avoid the grief over losing them.

Avoiding commitments and staying uninvolved may keep us safe from risks. They also keep us near our dangerous old patterns. Our program works when we can freely let ourselves go. First, we commit to our recovery program with no reservations. Then, in our increasing sanity we gradually let ourselves go in other attachments. We know we face losses as part of life. We will have the strength to grieve them and move on.

God, give me the inner-liberty today to let go of myself and care.