Reactions - April 30th

A life of reaction is a life of slavery, intellectually and spiritually. One must fight for a life of action not reaction.
—Rita Mae Brown

All men in recovery confront their reactive habits in relationships. Whether we came to recovery as a codependent or as an addict, we soon must face how much other people's behavior has been a cue for our own reactions. There is always a three-part process in any reaction first, the other person's behavior; second, a moment of choosing a response; and third, our reaction. But in our spiritual slavery, we don't notice the choice stage. It feels automatic. It may feel as though "the other person made me do it."

No amount of changing on someone else's part can change us. We are becoming more responsible for our own lives and for our own behavior regardless of others around us. There is liberation in noticing the choice stage. It is tough to follow through on our choices, but when we do, it is truly a sign of a grown man. Then a remarkable thing happens - our self-esteem rises.

Today, I will pause to notice the choices I have in the moment between someone's action and my reaction.

If there is a God, there must also be a Goddess. Neither is more important than the other, both are in balance, together they create a Whole.
— Marion Weinstein

In the olden days, the Goddess was seen as a Trinity: the Maiden or Virgin, the Mother, and the Crone. The Virgin was one-in-herself, owned by no man. The Mother was the one in the fullness of her creative powers, whether creating children, works of art, or other work out in the world. The Crone was the wise old woman.

Both women and men connected with the Triple Goddess. To women, the Goddess was a symbol of their innermost selves and the beneficent, nurturing, liberating power within. The Crone, for example, showed them that all phases of life are sacred, that age is a blessing rather than a curse. To men, the Goddess represented their connection with their own hidden female selves.

We are all made up of aspects of both sexes. This is our balance. When we accept what we know to be truly ourselves, which is often much more than the old role models for men and women allow, we become complete men and women.

What male and female strengths do I have within me?

Right - April 28th

Indeed, this need of individuals to be right is so great that they are willing to sacrifice themselves, their relationships, and even love for it.
—Reuel Howe

We may have an inner drive to be right - and even to prove we are right. We often have been expected to know about the world and how things work, as if our manhood were tied to knowing. So when we don't know the right answer, or when a person disagrees with us, we may get upset because we feel our masculine honor is in question.

We should always remember that our honor requires being honest, not being right. Our masculinity is being true to ourselves as men, not being invincible. Demanding that our opinions always be accepted as right is destructive to our relationships. It cuts us off from people we love, and becomes hostile and selfish. We are learning to allow room for differences; we can love and respect people we disagree with. And we all have a right to be wrong part of the time.

I don't have to have all the right answers. Today, my ideas are just one man's honest thoughts.

Fine friendship requires duration rather than fitful intensity.
—Aristotle

Once we have embarked upon this program, we find spiritual recovery through relationships more than any other single factor. We find it through relationships with other people, with ourselves, and with our Higher Power. But most men in recovery need to learn how to be in a relationship. We have to give up ideas that a friendship is an intense connection or a conflict-free blending of like minds.

A meaningful friendship is a long-term dialogue. If there is conflict or if we make a mistake or fail to do what our friend wants of us, we don't end the friendship. We simply have the next exchange to resolve the differences. Our dialogue continues over time, and time - along with many amends - builds the bond. With it develops a deepening sense of reliability and trusting one another. When we have lived with our friend through many experiences - or with our Higher Power - we gain a feeling that we really know him or her in a way we could never have in a brief intense connection.

Today, I will do what I need to do to be reliable in my friendships.

Intoxication - April 26th

I drink not from mere joy in wine nor to scoff at

faith--no; only to forget myself for a moment,

that only do I want of intoxication, that alone.

-- Omar Khayyam

What has been our drug of choice? It may be alcohol. It may be sugar or gambling or dependent relationships. Some men have used anger, sex, sports or the accumulation of money. Growing in this program, we learn there is a great brotherhood among us. Our problems have not been only with a certain substance or a given behaviour. We have been seduced and trapped by a ritual of forgetting ourselves. If we hadn't found one way, we may have found another. In giving one up, we often found ourselves drawn to a new substitute.

Now we are learning to accept ourselves and to forget ourselves in healthier ways. We all need to move beyond the bounds of an oppressive ego. In our old style, we could not learn healthy releases because we were hooked on unhealthy ones. Now we are learning meditation, making friends, helping others, and letting go as ways to forget ourselves.

I pray for help today in staying away from self-destructive intoxications so I am able to learn healthy releases

Spirituality - April 25th

The natural world is a spiritual

house...Man walks there through

forests of physical things that are also

spiritual things, that watch him with

affectionate looks.

-- Charles Baudelaire

As we live this program, we learn to see the spiritual in physical things. Whatever we see or hear, whatever happens in our lives may carry a spiritual message. Some of us will say, "God is telling me something." Others, whose understanding of God takes another form, will say, "There is a spiritual message in this if I can read it."

But many men, having had relationships that were abusive and painful, find it hard to imagine the spirit of things watching them with affection, and not hostility. Many of us have been used, and we have used others. We don't expect affectionate relationships, but could it be that the spiritual world loves us and we don't know it? Perhaps if we think about this for a while, we also will become more loving.

The generosity of God is expressed in all kinds of physical things. I will remember that the spiritual is affectionate toward me.

Befriending Yourself - April 23rd

Friendship with oneself is all-

important, because without it one can-

not be friends with anyone else in the

world.

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

In recovery, perhaps first we make peace with ourselves, and not until later do we become our own friends. We have been at war with ourselves and in turmoil with our families, even with feeling like victims. This program lays out 12 steps we can follow to become friends with ourselves. In recovery we may still feel self-hate when we constantly monitor our every action, when we react to our mistakes by berating ourselves, and when we dwell on past offences. Would we put a friend through that?

A true friend will accept you as you are. He doesn't put you down or call you derogatory names. He'll give you honest feedback and won't put on a false front. He'll support you when you're in trouble. Being our own friend means doing these things for ourselves. Perhaps we can even embrace and be kind to the part of ourselves that is addicted and co-dependent.

Today, I will be a friend to my whole self - even the parts of me I have rejected.

Streams - April 22nd

The first springs of great events, like

those of great rivers, are often mean

and little.

-- Jonathan Swift

Our lives are like streams which flow through time. Looking at the flow of our whole lives, we see the interconnections of many days that seemed minor. Each day contributes to the stream of goals and faith and relationships. As we look at the flow of a whole river we see at its beginning a little trickle of water here, joining another trickle there, slowly gathering together a stream that develops force and direction.

We may look for intensity in our lives and ignore the quiet. Much of our lives may have been lived on a roller coaster of major crises. As terrible as it seemed, it was not dull. Today may seem rather boring. But in recovery we learn to appreciate the more subtle trickle that a good day can be. Simply continuing with the flow - of our program, of faithfulness to our values, of being emotionally present in our relationships - adds up to a rich life.

May I see the continuity of my life in the simple moments of this day.

Letting Go - April 21st

The first skill needed for the Inner

Game is called 'letting it happen.' This

means gradually building a trust in the

innate ability of your body to learn and

to perform.

-- W. Timothy Gallwey

A strange and intriguing mystery confronts us in the Twelve Steps. We are mending our ways; we are becoming accountable; we are striving to do what is right, yet we are learning to let go. This seems like a contradiction of logic, but it leads us to a spiritual awakening.

We are becoming like the accomplished tennis player who has practiced diligently to develop every detail of his skill. Yet when he is playing the game, he cannot focus on control. He must get his ego out of the way and let himself go. It is in letting go that he rises to his highest level of fulfillment. Today we will do what we must. We can make the choices we are faced with. Then we allow ourselves to be carried along by our Higher Power to complete and fulfill the process.

I will look for opportunities to let it happen today.

Myths - April 20th

I wasn't exactly brought up in one of

those Norman Rockwell paintings you

used to see on the cover of the Saturday

Evening Post.

-- Reggie Jackson

We have many myths about other people's lives. When we compare ourselves to these stories, we come up short. We have the TV families of Father Knows Best or The Waltons in our minds. We may have stories our father told about his moment of glory and how he met his challenges. Any of these images selects part of the truth and highlights it, creating a myth that might be worthwhile if we don't take it too literally.

Living real life never feels as serene as our fantasies. A myth lifts us up, carries us away to other possibilities, but we should always take it with a grain of salt. A father's recollections or a Norman Rockwell painting romanticizes a piece of reality by omitting the drudgery and confusion of life. Myths are meant as inspirations, not as measurements of our lives.

The difficulties and confusion I feel may just be part of real life. Serenity comes when I accept the mixture that real life is.

True North - April 19th

Some of us, observing that ideals are

rarely achieved, proceed to the error of

considering them worthless. Such an

error is greatly harmful. True North

cannot be reached either, since it is an

abstraction, but it is of enormous im-

portance, as all the world's travelers

can attest.

-- Steve Allen

How many of us, seeing others who failed to live fully by their ideals, cried "Hypocrite!" Perhaps we even pointed to others' shortcomings to excuse our own. Now, in this program, we may be tempted to swing like a pendulum to the other extreme. We may hold to our values and principles so tightly that we are perfectionistic.

The idea that True North cannot ever be reached is very useful. If we don't achieve True North, even though we establish it as our standard, we will generally be heading in the right direction. Although we never perfectly achieve our ideals, they remain our standards today for orienting our lives.

I do accept standards for my life. I will not beat on myself for my imperfections.

Control - April 18th

Free man is by necessity insecure:

Thinking man by necessity uncertain.

-- Erich Fromm

We hear comments like, "Hang in there!" "Don't quit now," "Don't give up the ship!" When our outlook is gloomy and pessimistic we are not in charge and we are not all-knowing. We cannot predict what will be around the next corner. If a difficult problem looms before us, we cannot be sure what help might also be there for us to meet the problem.

Our compulsion for control tempts us to quit and give ourselves over to defeat. Then the outcome would be settled and predictable. We no longer would have to live with the insecurity of not knowing the future. When we are tempted to indulge in our addictive ways, or to return to a relationship that isn't good for us, or to face a painful problem, it helps to recall that change is a basic fact of life. However stressful this moment is, it will change. Not at our command, but it will change. We aren't in control of outcomes, but we can choose now to "hang in there" and to give our energy only toward positive solutions.

May I have the serenity to accept the process and the courage to be true to my part. Outcomes I will leave for the future.

Extraordinary Fellows - April 17th

It is extraordinary how extraordinary

the ordinary person is.

-- George F. Will

At our meetings, we often hear stories of the courage of ordinary people and their triumph against great odds. When we hear of a person's life being restored, we are witnesses to miracles. Our friends are heroes and so are we. As a man describes his passage from insanity to recovery we are moved. Whenever we are truly open to knowing the people around us, whether at a meeting or in getting to know a neighbor, we will see heroism. It is amazing that when we get to know most people, and hear what their lives have been like, we find so much to admire and respect. It is a privilege to have such friends. It is amazing that they are so abundant when we open ourselves to them. God truly does speak to us through others.

I am grateful when I think about the extraordinary people around me and the courage in each of them. I am grateful to be among them.

Sides - April 16th

A woman should be able to be both

independent and dependent, active and

passive, relaxed and serious, practical

and romantic, tender and tough minded,

thinking and feeling, dominant and

submissive. So, obviously, should

a man.

-- Pierre Mornell

The weakest men, most vulnerable to stresses in life, are those with narrow ideas about masculinity. In our growth, we are finding parts of ourselves we didn't know were there. Some of us are finding the tough part of us that makes it possible to stand up to our bosses or our wives or lovers when necessary. We are also finding the soft parts, warm parts, sad parts. And the greater the variety of sides we develop, the more successful we are in meeting life.

Whatever we discover about ourselves is another example of being human. Sometimes we might think what we feel is not right, or is weak or sick. We need never fear our feelings. The denial of our feelings had devastating effects on us. Knowing and accepting our many sides will lead us into strength and health.

I am thankful that I am able to be both sides of many coins.

Trust - April 15th

Just be what you are and speak from your guts

and heart--it's all a man has.

-- Hubert Humphrey

Some of us have doubted our inner voice so completely that we abandoned it totally. Many of us have discovered in recovery that by our denial we had violated our inner voice with lies, even to ourselves. Now we question whether we can trust our instincts, and we may not know what we feel.

Masculine spiritual recovery is a return to our guts and our heart. Standing up and speaking from our hearts may be difficult at times, but our self-respect rises as we do. That is where we go for our final decision making. We develop better reception for the inner voice as we live this program. We accept that we are never absolutely right. We continue with humility, knowing we may be wrong and listening to others and our Higher Power. Yet we must live with our choices.

I will seek the courage to be faithful to my own instincts.

Slowing Down - April 15th

A person who is looking for something doesn't

travel very fast.

-- E.B.White

What do men really want? What are we seeking? Many of us have felt driven and still feel restless or compulsive at times. We frantically followed our impulses to self-destructive extremes. Even those painful actions of our past were motivated, at the bottom, by a spiritual search. What did we really seek in the bottle, or in the passionate bed, or in our work? Slowing down enough every day to let ourselves know what we are looking for gives us a much better chance of finding it.

Today we can slow down by taking twenty minutes for solitude and quiet, for meditation or prayer. We can call a friend simply for a moment of contact. We might read something to give ourselves some ideas to ponder, or we can listen to music which will transport us to another world. Perhaps we can simply walk more slowly from our cars or the bus stop to our homes. Often it is not the events in our lives that bring change but the space between the events.

Today, I will try to remember that slowing down may help me find what I am seeking.

Change - April 13th

Are you willing to be sponged out,

erased,/cancelled,/made nothing?/Are

you willing to be made nothing?/

dipped into oblivion?/If not, you will

never really change.

-- D.H. Lawrence

Many men have a self-centered attitude about change. They say, 'Lift yourselves up by your bootstraps! Take charge! Be aggressive!' They have only a beginner's understanding of what real change is. When we try to change ourselves by our own methods, we simply give rebirth to our already limited controlling ideas. We recycle and intensify our problems.

This program has given us a profound possibility for change. We discover we are able to move beyond our compulsion to control by surrendering. The promises for recovery are clear and bright, if we yield to this program totally--but they do not come on our timetable. We yield. We allow ourselves to be helped. We allow change to overtake us. We earnestly seek to do our part. And change comes. It comes--not when we say, 'Now I deserve it,' but when we are ready to accept it.

Today, I surrender again. Each day I learn to surrender and grow deeper.

Healing - April 12th

Anyone who lives art knows that psy-

choanalysis has no monopoly on the

power to heal . . . Art and poetry

have always been altering our ways of

sensing and feeling--that is to say,

altering the human body.

-- Norman O. Brown

A man can lead a healing life on many levels. On one level, many of us have turned to healing professionals for help. That may strengthen our program and be very beneficial for many of our problems.

Relationships heal when they are loving, affirming, reliable, committed and loyal. Nature heals: a tree, a walk through tall grass, a dry seedpod, or a potted plant gives life when we turn in their direction. Beauty heals: music, a poem, a novel, or a picture may move us to another plane and teach us about life. Meditation heals: solitude, quiet relaxation, prayer, and cosmic consciousness bring an inner peace. Laughter heals. Physical activity heals. Doing something for others helps us. At the basic level, accepting ourselves as loveable men, just as we are, is the foundation for all healing.

The forces for renewal and wholeness are varied. May I reach out to them and be healed by them.

April 11th

I have learned this: it is not what one

does that is wrong, but what one be-

comes as a consequence of it.

-- Oscar Wilde

There are countless ways to take shortcuts in life or to grab for pleasures. We could cheat on our income taxes, excuse a food binge, or lie to a loved one about where we've been. We say "It won't hurt anyone!" "I wouldn't do it if it weren't for the other guy." Or, "Everyone does it." But if we are to like and respect ourselves, we need to live by the rules we believe in. Whether we get caught or not isn't the point. We cannot hold values and then repeatedly justify breaking them.

What does it do to us if we constantly fudge on our values? It undermines our self-esteem and damages the faith we have in ourselves. We do not expect to be perfect, but we must be accountable. If we are honest with ourselves, we admit our wrongs and reestablish our self-respect.

Today, I will take care to make choices that match my values.

Chaos - April 1oth

Chaos demands to be recognized and

experienced before letting itself be

converted to a new order.

-- Hermann Hesse

The forces of chaos and the forces of order are always at work in the world. While may things are being built up, many are wearing down. It is a good thing, because life would be very boring in an unchanging state. But the chaos we met in our lives was often extreme and unusually destructive. We had to recognize it and feel the pain of it before we could build a new order. Looking back we can see that our First Step was just such an event.

All people have small, chaotic events in their lives every day. If we take a moment and reflect on our present lives, we can certainly become aware of some ways in which things are in disarray. By simply letting ourselves know it in this moment, we get ready for the new order to begin.

I pray for courage and honesty to see the chaos which exists today. Help me become ready for the new order to evolve.

God - April 8th

I'm not into isms and asms. There isn't

a Catholic moon and a Baptist sun. I

know the universal God is universal..

..I feel that the same God-force that

is the mother and father of the pope is

also the mother and father of the lone-

liest wino on the planet.

• Dick Gregory

In this program we seek conscious contact with God as we understand God. Some people understand God in very specific ways as a Jewish God, or a Christian God, or Moslem Allah. Others understand God in very general and unspecified ways. To some, God is the spirit of group relationships, the deeper consciousness of each man, or the whole of creation. When the word God is used in this program, it respects the different knowing of each person.

Whatever understanding a man has, this program includes his perspective. It dictates none. This is a spiritual program, not a religious one. We often see our Higher Power was with us as a helpful force, long before we knew about it.

Today, I am grateful for God's care. May I learn to increase in trust and knowledge of God.

Adversity - April 7th

Adversity introduces a man to himself.

– Anonymous

After difficult or challenging times we often say, 'I never would have chosen to go through that, but I learned a lot from it.' It could be a job situation, a failed relationship, or trouble with the law. When we bump up against something hard--something that pushes back at us, our strength is tested, forcing us to draw on unknown reserves. A mountain climber standing on a safe ledge finds it difficult to move forward onto a more frightening spot. After he has completed the route he looks back and feels good about himself because he met a challenge. We meet these challenges in many ways in our lives, and they help us build our self-respect.

Whatever difficulty is facing us today, we may have to deal with it ourselves, but we do not have to be alone while we do it. We can reach out for support while we do what we must. This difficulty is part of being human and can help us see more fully who we are.

I pray for the courage to face my adversity when I must and the ability to learn from it.

Realism - April 6th

I had gone through life thinking I was

better than everyone else and at the

same time being afraid of everyone. I

was afraid to be me.

-- Dennis Wholey

Looking back to the co-dependent or addictive times in our lives, we see with the perfect vision of hindsight. It is both embarrassing and humorous to see how misguided and deluded we were then. Grandiose images of ourselves isolated us from those around us and cut us off from true friendships with others. Many of us had strong feelings about ourselves that were in conflict--we felt both special and unworthy.

In this program we grow over time to have a more realistic self-concept. We are not exactly like everyone else, but we are more like them than different. It's okay to be like others, and it's comforting, too. Accepting this, we grow fully into the whole men we were meant to be, and we can relish the joy of friendship.

May I accept the guidance of my Higher Power in developing a realistic and comfortable self-image.

Anger - April 5th

When angry count four; when very

angry, swear.

-- Mark Twain

Feelings of anger are a knotty problem for many men. Some of us as children were injured or so frightened by an angry adult that we have instinctively avoided anger ever since. Or we have been appalled by ourselves when we lost control of our anger. Still, we are taught that it is masculine to be aggressive. Some of us have tried so hard to squelch our anger that we don't even know when we feel it. We treat anger like a rejected child - once rejected we no longer have good discipline over it. So it comes out in hurtful jokes and sarcastic comments, or bursts out of us in scary and destructive ways.

For some of us, over controlled anger turns inward against ourselves. We get physically ill or depressed and self-hating. Every recovering man needs an honest relationship with his anger. We must acknowledge this feeling within us when it is there. It is healthy to express anger directly, honestly and respectfully.

Thanks to God for the richness of my emotional life. Today, I will notice my feelings of anger and accept them so I can learn to relate to them.

Spiritual Contact - April 2nd

The universe is the primary revelation

of the divine, the primary scripture, the

primary focus of divine-human com-

munion.

-- Thomas Berry

In this program we learn about being receptive. A man in search of conscious contact with a Higher Power can simply stand still and open his eyes and ears to creation. Forcing a spiritual awareness is mostly wasted effort. Learning theology doesn't create a spiritual experience either. We only need to see and hear what is around us. This is a vast and marvelous universe, and it speaks for itself. It has always been there, and when we are ready to receive the message, we will.

It stirs our spirit to be at a meeting and hear another man describe the awakening of his spirituality. As we men become more receptive to the spiritual, we open a whole new realm in our lives.

May my growing ability to be a receptive man lead me to a deeper spiritual contact.

Our Reflections - April 1st

Any idea, person, or object can be a

Medicine Wheel, a mirror for man. The

tiniest flower can be such a mirror, as

can a wolf, a story, a touch, a religion,

or a mountaintop.

-- Hyemeyohsts Storm

The ancient spiritual teachings of the Cheyenne Indians tells us that we meet ourselves in almost everything we confront. A group of men spending a night on a mountaintop will each have a different experience. One may be overcome with a sense of awe, another may spend every moment gripped by fear, and another may sleep the night away. While the mountain is the same, each has brought himself to it and has a different experience. When we meet an animal, feel a touch, or take a hike down the street, we see a reflection of ourselves and of humanity.

This day is a Medicine Wheel for each of us. Our response to today's circumstances will tell us more about ourselves. We need not waste energy judging ourselves harshly, but learn from our feelings and reactions. Our reflections point the way for further growth.

Today, I will look for my own reflection in what I meet and for the reflection of all humanity.