The First Step

It's been months since I posted here and I think I'd like to come and post personal notes from time to time. If you found your way to this blog it likely isn't by accident. You're in search of something - maybe you're an addict looking for some guidance or simply a shared story. I hope that I can provide you with at least some food for thought - if nothing else.

I am conflicted about AA groups - simply because I've never been a joiner of any sort of organization However, as detached from AA as I can make myself feel at times I am never more connected to any social group than I am in an AA meeting. In hearing someone speak from the heart of their life, their suffering and of how baffled they are that alcohol took them places they never knew existed. When I speak of the long dark nights of the soul my fellow AA members can relate, having been to the spiritual abyss too. They know the dread, emptiness and hopelessness that accompanies the alcoholic when he is in the grip of his addiction.

I faced death, considered it like some people might consider moving to a new city. Not so much an adventure as it would be an escape from torment. My alcoholism was madness that took joy from a life that deserved joy. Replaced pride with shame and authorized actions that far too often put me in conflict with the people in my life. The craziest aspect of the disease was my denial that there was anything wrong at all. Coming to Step 1 was no easy feat -

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

Powerless? Me? I didn't think so. I have heard that the key to behavioural modification is repetition. There was repetition in the conflict, poor judgement and utter foolishness brought about by my drinking that eventually got through to me. I wasn't normal - I wasn't like other people. When I drink I'm someone that I cannot respect.

I had tried to quit before AA but that met with no success and usually led to a binging to make up for lost time.

I had to accept that I was powerless, that my life was a mess. Eventually there was no denying this. At my first AA meeting I was too afraid or ashamed to get up and get my white chip. I waited until after the meeting and went up to the front and picked it up once the meeting was over.

My first step towards recovery.

Boredom - Nov 22nd

“Boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time; serenity, that nothing is.”
~ Thomas S. Szasz

A.A. Thought for the Day

I have got rid of most of my boredom. One of the hardest things that a new member of A.A. has to understand is how to stay sober and not be bored. Drinking was always the answer to all kinds of boring people or boring situations. But once you have taken up the interest of A.A., once you have given it your time and enthusiasm, boredom should not be a problem to you. A new life opens up before you that can be always interesting. Sobriety should give you so many new interests in life that you shouldn't have time to be bored. Have I got rid of the fear of being bored?

Boredom still dogs me occasionally, I try to respond with curiosity in the world around me. If that doesn't work then I go to a meeting

~ Mike

Money - Nov 21st

A fool and his money are soon parted.
~ Thomas Tusser

A.A. Thought for the Day

I no longer waste money, but try to put it to good use. Like all of us, when I was drunk, I threw money around like I really had it. It gave me a feeling of importance - a millionaire for a day. But the morning after, with an empty wallet and perhaps also some undecipherable checks, was a sad awakening. How could I have been such a fool? How will I ever make it up? Thoughts like these get you down. When we are sober, we spend our hard-earned money as it should be spent. Although perhaps some of us could be more generous in our A.A. giving, at least we do not throw it away. Am I making good use of my money?

I spent money foolishly when I was drinking - and just the cost of drinking at a bar was crazy. Drinking at a bar 4 nights a week can easily cost over $100/week - that's without buying rounds for others. I do spend my money more wisely now.

~ Mike

Escape - Nov 20th

“Nobody ever did, or ever will, escape the consequences of his choices.”
 ~ Alfred A. Montapert


A.A. Thought for the Day

I no longer try to escape life through alcoholism. Drinking built up an unreal world for me and I tried to live in it. But in the morning light the real life was back again and facing it was harder than ever, because I had less resources with which to meet it. Each attempt at escape weakened my personality by the very attempt. Everyone knows that alcohol, by relaxing inhibitions, permits a flight from reality. Alcohol deadens the brain cells that preside over our highest faculties and we are off to the unreal world of drunkenness. A.A. taught me not to run away, but to face reality. Have I given up trying to escape life?

Alcohol's ability to allow me to escape is what seduced me. All of my worries and insecurities would dissolve with alcohol, my behaviour while drinking would, of course, fuel even more worry. The more I drank the more I needed to escape - a crazy cycle. Even today I still attempt to escape at times - when I catch myself telling a lie or avoiding a responsibility, but at least I am catching these things a doing something about them. Escape is not the answer and only leads down a dark road.

~ Mike

Our Dark Side - Nov 17th

Every one is a moon, and has a dark side....
Mark Twain

A.A. Thought for the Day

Everyone has two personalities, a good and a bad. We are all dual personalities to some extent. When we were drinking, the bad personality was in control. We did things when we were drunk that we would never do when we were sober. When we sober up, we are different people. Then we wonder how we could have done the things we did. But we drink again, and again our bad side comes out. So we are back and forth, always in conflict with our other selves, always in a stew. This division of our selves is not good; we must somehow become unified. We do this by giving ourselves wholeheartedly to A.A. and to sobriety. Have I become unified?

My dark side expressed itself through my greed, petty cruelty, and envy. I spent a lot of energy justifying and validating anger and other destructive feelings. Only once I accepted that I have to resist the urge to act badly that I started a journey towards being whole.
~ Mike

Inner Conflict - Nov 16th

“The greatest conflicts are not between two people but between one person and himself.”
~ Garth Brooks


A.A. Thought for the Day
I have got rid of most of my inner conflicts. I was always at war with myself. I was doing things that I did not want to do. I was waking up in strange places and wondering how I got there. I was full of recklessness when I was drunk and full of remorse when I was sober. My life didn't make sense. It was full of broken resolves and frustrated hopes and plans. I was getting nowhere fast. No wonder my nerves were all shot. I was bumping up against a blank wall and I was dizzy from it. A.A. taught me how to get organized and to stop fighting against myself. Have I got rid of inner conflicts?

For years in sobriety I continued to play old tapes in my mind. The tapes where I am being told that I'm not good enough, smart enough, that I'm a quitter and am ungrateful and unloving. I had taken these toxic thought on as my own and though the words were uttered by others the replaying of those words was all my own doing. My inner conflict.
~ Mike

Commitment to AA - Sept 29th

“Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.”
~ Tom Robbins

A.A. Thought for the Day

Having got this far, shall we pause and ask ourselves some searching questions? We need to check up on ourselves periodically. Just how good an A.A. am I? Am I attending meetings regularly? Am I doing my share to carry the load? When there is something to be done, do I volunteer? Do I speak at meetings when asked, no matter how nervous I am? Do I accept each opportunity to do twelfth step work as a challenge? Do I give freely of my time and money? Am I trying to spread A.A. wherever I go? Is my daily life a demonstration of A.A. principles? Am I a good A.A.?

AA is a wonderful program and fellowship and only works through the commitment of those who step up to ensure that things run smoothly. I feel most connected to AA when I am doing work for my group or for a fellow member.

~ Mike

Spiritual Experience - Sept 27th

I'm touched by the idea that when we do things that are useful and helpful - collecting these shards of spirituality - that we may be helping to bring about a healing.
~ Leonard Nimoy

A.A. Thought for the Day

Continuing the consideration of the term spiritual experience: "What often takes place in a few months could seldom have been accomplished by years of self discipline. With few exceptions, our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource, which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves. Most of us think this awareness of a Power greater than ourselves the essence of spiritual experience. Some of us call it God consciousness. In any case, willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery." Have I tapped that inner resource which can change my life?

Awareness of and a belief in a Higher Power has been a source of comfort and inspiration in my journey in sobriety.

~ Mike

Making Amends - Sept 22nd

It is the highest form of self-respect to admit our errors and mistakes and make amends for them. To make a mistake is only an error in judgment, but to adhere to it when it is discovered shows infirmity of character.
~ Dale Turner

A.A. Thought for the Day

Step Eight is, "Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all." Step Nine is, "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." Making restitution for the wrongs we have done is often very difficult. It hurts our pride. But the rewards are great. When we go to a person and say we are sorry, the reaction we get is almost invariably good. It takes courage to make the plunge, but the results more than justify it. A load is off your chest and often an enemy has been turned into a friend. Have I done my best to make all the restitution possible?

Making amends was one of the first things I ever tried in sobriety - long before I was ready to do it. Over time I learned that making amends was not about making myself feel better but about regretting what harm had been done to others.

~ Mike

Daily Ritual - Sept 21st

The Secret to Peace of mind is to not identify with anything other than your True Self.

~ Robert Adams

A.A. Thought for the Day

Let us continue with Steps Four, Five, Six, Seven, and Ten. In taking a personal inventory of ourselves, we have to face facts as they really are. We have to stop running away. We must face reality. We must see ourselves as we really are. We must admit our faults openly and try to correct them. We must try to see where we have been dishonest, impure, selfish, and unloving. We do not do this once and forget it. We do it every day of our lives, as long as we live. We are never done with checking up on ourselves. Am I taking a daily inventory of myself?

As I've grown to know and understand myself I have found fewer reasons to wear a mask while out in the world. 

~ Mike

Honest Inventory - Sept 20th

Begin to be now what you will be hereafter.
~ William James

A.A. Thought for the Day

Step Four is, "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." Step Five is, "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our, wrongs." Step Six is, "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." Step Seven is, "Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings." Step Ten is, "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it." In taking a personal inventory, we have to be absolutely honest with ourselves and with other people. Have I taken an honest inventory of myself?

Taking an honest inventory is the single most difficult thing to do in recovery. That is why it should be done more than once - the healthier I got the more honest I was able to be with myself.

~ Mike

Peace through Honesty - Sept 19th

Who's not sat tense before his own heart's curtain?
—Rainer Maria Rilke

Meeting our Higher Power and ourselves is the universal spiritual process. Sitting before the curtain of our hearts may feel as awesome to us or as frightening as anything we will ever do. When we first admit to ourselves a deeper truth, we feel these overpowering tensions. For some of us, this is a necessary step, which leads to self-knowledge and inner peace. We feel unique, different, alone, and maybe even crazy. For the first time, we are listening to our inner truth rather than outside messages.

Let's think for a moment about today's tensions and strains. Are we really aware of their source? Perhaps they are created by the disturbing honesty of our hearts? We may find our spiritual growth in yielding to the truth. When we are cynical about spiritual experience or when we minimize the importance of our soft-spoken inner wisdom, we are avoiding the truth from our hearts. And we miss the possibility of becoming strong from within.

Today, I will live through the tension and fear of my honesty to reach the point of peace with myself.

Faith in a Higher Power - Sept 18th

“Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.”
~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

A.A. Thought for the Day
Step Two is, "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." Step Three is, "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." Step Eleven is, "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." The fundamental basis of A.A. is a belief in some Power greater than ourselves. Let us not take this lightly. We cannot fully get the program without this venture of belief. Have I made the venture of belief in a Power greater than my own?

Faith in a higher power was a roadblock for me throughout most of my life. The very idea of God was troubling  and I would avoid the topic. Now I am not so concerned about what God is I simply believe that there is a higher power that loves unconditionally and wishes the best for everyone. 

~ Mike

Acceptance - Sept 17th

“Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.”
~ William James

A.A. Thought for the Day

Step One is, "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable." This step states the membership requirement of A.A. We must admit that our lives are disturbed. We must accept the fact that we are helpless before the power of alcohol. We must admit that we are licked as far as drinking is concerned and that we need help. We must be willing to accept the bitter fact that we cannot drink like normal people. And we must make, as gracefully as possible, surrender to the inevitable fact that we must stop drinking. Is it difficult for me to admit that I am different from normal drinkers?

Accepting that my life had gone off the rails was one thing - but asking for help in setting my life right was the hardest thing I've ever done. I hope you can do the same.

~ Mike

Practicing the Steps - Sept 16th

What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step.
~ C. S. Lewis

A.A. Thought for the Day

Today, let us begin a short study of The Twelve Suggested Steps of A.A. These Twelve Suggested Steps seem to embody five principles. The first step is the membership requirement step. The second, third, and eleventh steps are the spiritual steps of the program. The fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh and tenth steps are the personal inventory steps. The eighth and ninth steps are the restitution steps. The twelfth step is the passing on of the program, or helping others, step. So the five principles are membership requirement, spiritual basis, personal inventory, restitution, and helping others. Have I made all these steps a part of me?

Only in practicing the AA 12 Steps in my daily life am I able to break the destructive patterns I had practiced in my life before AA.

~ Mike

Think Positive - Sept 14th

When a person drowns himself in negative thinking he is committing an unspeakable crime against himself.

•   Maxwell Maltz  

Negative thoughts can rule our lives as compulsively as an addiction. The feelings of power we get from holding a dismal and gloomy outlook deprive us of the positive and pleasant parts of life. Some of us have said, "If I expect the worst, I won't be disappointed. If I think the worst about myself, no one else can cut me down." It is like taking a driving trip and looking only for trash and garbage in the ditches, ignoring the beauty beyond. Indeed, what we see may be real, but it is a very limited piece of the picture.

When we have relied on negative thinking, it feels risky to give it up. We cannot do it in one day. We can begin by imagining ourselves with a more open attitude toward the world and ourselves. Then we can try it out as an experiment in little ways, with no commitment. Finally we reach the point where we can take a risk and entrust our Higher Power with the outcome.

Today, I will experiment with hopeful and positive thoughts about what happens.

Haven - Sept 12th

“Home is not where you live, but where they understand you”
~ Christian Morganstern

A.A. Thought for the Day

"What draws newcomers to A.A. and gives them hope? They hear the stories of men and women whose experiences tally with their own. The expressions on the faces of the women, that indefinable something in the eyes of the men, the stimulating atmosphere of the A.A. clubroom, conspire to let them know that there is haven at last. The very practical approach to their problems, the absence of intolerance of any kind, the informality, the genuine democracy, the uncanny understanding which these people in A.A. have is irresistible." Have I found a real haven in A.A.?

Finding a good home group in AA is key to acceptance. The find a safe haven with people you can relate to will give you no end of comfort.

~ Mike

New Friends - Sept 11th

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one”
~ C.S. Lewis

A.A. Thought for the Day

Continuing the answers to the question of how a person can live without liquor and be happy, we say: "You will be bound to the other A.A.s with new and wonderful ties, for you and they will escape disaster together and all will commence shoulder to shoulder the common journey to a better and more satisfactory life. You will know what it means to give of yourself that others may survive and rediscover life. You will become happy, respected, and useful once more. Since these things have happened to us, they can happen to you." Have these things happened to me?

Overcoming my fear of people opened up a whole new life for me. Making new friends in AA has been a true blessing and has given me the opportunity to see that I am not so different. In being like others I don't feel so disconnected from the world.

~ Mike

A New Life - Sept 9th

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”
~ Maria Robinson

A.A. Thought for the Day

When alcoholics are offered a life of sobriety by following the A.A. program, they will look at the prospect of living without alcohol and they will ask: "Am I to be consigned to a life where I shall be stupid, boring and glum, like some of the righteous people I see? I know I must get along without liquor, but how can I? Have you a sufficient substitute?" Have I found a more than sufficient substitute for drinking?

My biggest fear was that without alcohol I would never have fun again. Nothing could be further from the truth - in fact I laugh more often now than I did as a drunk.

~ Mike

But for the Grace of God - Sept 8th

"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

~ Robert Frost (from "The Road Not Taken")


A.A. Thought for the Day

Another of the mottoes of A.A. is "But for the Grace of God." Once we have fully accepted the program we become humble about our achievement. We do not take too much credit for our sobriety. When we see another suffering alcoholic in the throes of alcoholism, we say to ourselves: "But for the grace of God, there go I." We do not forget the kind of people we were. We remember those we left behind us. And we are very grateful to the grace of God, which has given us another chance. Am I truly grateful for the grace of God?

When I was active in my addiction I foolishly believed that I would never, ever, end up homeless and living on the streets. Now when I look back I realize how close I was to that fate and I look at the homeless and honestly believe that there, but for the grace of God, go I.

~ Mike